OK, so it’s not actually time. It’s a little early. But I really think that if people were more obvious, they would get what they actually wanted. So, I consulted with the hottest girl I know (myself) and this is what the girlies want for Christmas.

01. A juicer.

Two things about me. One, I am an almond daughter. Having a mother that is an almond mom, yet managed to be emotionally absent about everything else has permanently altered my brain chemistry. I’m at peace with it, I no longer wish to unpack it!! I know that my food beliefs alternate between caring and not caring. It is what it is (terrible). I’m always going to be recovering. And that’s okay! I don’t need non hired, non professionals to give me their opinion on food related matters thank you! Two, I am an esoteric Pilates girlie. In a perfect world, I would be off the grid homesteading. I would be making everything from scratch while working out all the time. I would extensively study Latin and warn everyone that crosses my path on the inherent demonic nature of seed oils. Sadly, that is not my ministry. I am a “just outside downtown” mother. But I can do other things to that to get the vibe. For example, I probably should get a juicer. I make my green juices with a blender. In theory, that’s fine. But, I would prefer to have something that doesn’t heat up things as much. I would like something that supported my anti-oxidation efforts. And, it would be incredibly time saving to not have to hand strain the fiber out. I don’t think there is a juicer that is 100 percent plastic free, but my dream one is. But like Miku Hatsune tenderly lamented while ghost-writing Harry Potter: “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” So, this Cuisinart one is great. For the girlies that do not like to clean (aka me) this amazon juicer only has three parts. For me and my ~lifestyle~, the smartest choice would be to just get an attachment to my mixer.

02. Makeup as skincare.

It took me a long time to see the appeal of Rhode Skin. Mostly because someone said Hailey Bieber looks like Vladmir Putin. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been becoming hotter as time goes on. It’s Capricorn privilege! I haven’t really felt like I need heavy makeup to feel beautiful. So, I’ve really cooled it on the makeup. But, I do like makeup that helps my skin.

Rhode Skin’s peptide lip tint has been my go-to lately. The color I have is Espresso. I picked that one because it is the one Jasmine Tookes uses. And Jas and I are besties in my delulu brain. The next color I want to buy is Raspberry Jelly. I found a cute set that includes a blush in the shade sleepy girl. Ironically, that was the blush I was thinking of buying. So I suppose it’s fate.

03. Candles

Specifically, the KKKlandle from Bath and Body Works. I know what people think it looks like. But to me, it’s giving ghosts. However, a racist BABW candle is specifically funny to me because I used to be in a facebook group that talked about these candles. I got kicked out because I told the admin that maybe the white girls in the group shouldn’t call people the N word because another group of people got all the good scents at the ten dollar candle sale before they could clock out. And, it’s weird to brag about doing so online! Of course, these palm colored pigheads started pulling out the dictionary and pretend family members that said it’s fine to call people the N word lol. Then, I got banned from the group AND sent to facebook jail.

Me getting sent to facebook jail isn’t really the point. I know that place very well. I was just heated because it was one of those rare times I was 10000% and there was no nuance necessary. Like there are times I am wrong on Facebook (but in terms of opinion, generally correct) . But not in that particular incident.

If we’re being real, I did see a snowflake at first glance. I’m still on the fence with AI art. Like, part of me thinks that they can hire people for art. But maybe like AI could do the fragrance ratios or measure the amount of wax. At the same time, Bath and Body Works is a major retailer and there are plenty of candle artists that make beautiful and bespoke art for their wares.

If I were to somehow get my hands on this “canceled candle”, I wouldn’t even burn it. Certain candles are not very good for our health and burning them makes them worse. I’m also hyper aware of my senior cat’s failing health and I want to make his life as easy as possible. Also, now that I am Grown™ I’ve noticed that I don’t really like the way BABW’s vanilla scents preform. Vanilla Bean Noel has made me nauseous before.

A few candles that I do like and would burn are:

• Mrs. Meyer’s Apple Cider candle
• No.04 Bois de Balincourt candle
• Boy Smells Hinoki Fantome candle
• Kerygma Memento Mori candle
• Eves and Co Cranbery Mimosa candle

04. Books

I’m actually really proud of myself!! I stuck to my New Year’s resolution and read a lot more this year. Right now, I’m reading Eve’s autobiography, “Who’s That Girl?” I’m about half way done and it’s pretty eye opening to me. Eve doesn’t really get her flowers in terms of how innovative a lot of the things in her career were. Also, she got those tattoos BEFORE joining Ruff Ryder’s so you can never tell me fate isn’t real.

I have a to- read list that is still much longer than I care to admit. So here are a few that are on my “to read immediately” list.

• Be Ready When The Luck Happens By Ina Garten
• Palestine:Peace, not Apartheid by Jimmy Carter
• My Sister the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite
• The Reckless Way of Love: Notes on Following Jesus By Dorothy Day
• Epic Homesteading by Kevin Espiritu
• How to Heal Your Metabolism by Kate Deering

I also want to start collecting truly beautiful editions of classic books I love. Not just because I’ve read most of these copies to pieces, but because I think we are all happier surrounded by beauty. Last year, my kids got me a very thoughtful hardcover of The Great Gatsby. Every time, I see it, it makes me so happy. So I would love to get a gorgeous copy of the following books:

• Dracula
• Frankenstein
• Anne of Green Gables
• The Secret Garden
• The Republic
• Beloved

Ok, and this isn’t technically a book, but I would fall OUT if I received the complete Japanese swag from The Lighthouse’s run in Japan. Which is on Ebay if you were wondering.

05. Home Gym Accessories

So, here’s the thing. My gym is literally so far away. It’s in the next town over technically. I do have a membership to a closer gym. I hate that gym with a passion. I get angry thinking about how much I pay for the gym. In Las Vegas, EOS Fitness is less expensive and significantly better than the gym near me. I am not exaggerating when I say we pay about ten times more money now than we did back then.

During the pandemic, we did buy resistance bands and weights. Not only have I started to utilize them again, but I have been using a lot of youtube Pilates and online resources to continue my classes. I’m starting to prefer my house to the gyms. One is too far, and the other is too scary. To be fair to the second gym, they are opening a new location. They told me this when I signed up. Maybe that one will be better. Sadly, they don’t present like they would have a Pilates class. They do have yoga. But, due to my religion, yoga makes me uncomfortable. I love Pilates Fusion, so I’m mostly full of crap. It’s the thought that counts.

I fell down the rabbit hole that is the tik tok shop and purchased a stepper. I’m literally in love with it and I have really embraced “cozy cardio”. I also got one of those faux reformers, it broke after one session. I’m still mad…But at the end of the day it did cost less than one Pilates class. So, it is what it is. A win is a win.

I really want to lock in, but I need the “lock” to lock in. So, I am saving up for A REAL reformer lol. I also want a new mat, because mine is kind of gross now.

I would never be comfortable with someone spending that much money on me. So, if someone would want to get me something related to Pilates, I would much rather them just get me some cute grip socks , a scrunchie, or a headband. And, honestly. TJMax and Marshall’s has really cute gym accessories. So don’t sleep on them!

If your shorty isn’t a Pink Pilates Princess, you should ask her what her favorite colors are. Or, if you’re really with it, you can get her a consultation with House of Color. Then, buy her gym clothes and accessories within her color palette. You can also do this on Etsy for a lot less money. Just an FYI: I originally tried that, and no one could decide if I am a dark winter or a true autumn. I think it’s because I’m like if Christmas (dark winter) and Halloween (true autumn) made a beautiful and unique girl. But, I guess it could be that they have difficulty typing biracial baddies. So, if you are considering doing this for a Girly Pop of Color, I would go to a certified professional. This is a gift. No one needs to feel “othered” by a gift.