For the most part, I don’t like to remember 2020. We lost a lot as a collective. But, I wrote a blog-post about how I would always be a fan of Kanye West. So, I just wanna say from the bottom of my heart: my bad.

I referenced the Sword of Damocles in that cute lil article. I think it’s finally fallen. I’m truly over him. I tried to listen to carnival at the gym today and I felt gross listening to it. He’s literally admitting to the things that he’s being accused of doing. Not to mention the close ties the Kardashians have to P. Diddy. He was at them parties, I fear. This is like the second time in a month I’ve talked about those parties but it is literally so hard for me to believe so many people just let that non consensual debauchery go on. I’m upset for the children that were involved. They deserved so much better.

The death of Liam Payne really put a lot on perspective for me. It IS sad that he passed away. He was someone’s child, someone’s brother, and someone’s dad. I was a big One Direction fan when they were all together. As a basic AF American girl, I’m hard wired to support boy bands. I even supported Zayn and Harry’s outside career endeavors. I admittedly did not keep up with Liam. So, I’m not gonna sit here and lie and be like “OMG he was my fave”…Like obviously my favorite is Zayn HELLO. So, all of Liam’s allegations went unnoticed from me I found out about all of that within the fifteen minutes I heard of his passing. So, while it is difficult for me to mourn the man that he was….I do mourn the man that he became. I am sad for his family, his friends, and his fans.

A lot of people don’t know this, but Liam was kind of the JC Chasez of One Direction. The first voice heard on songs was often Liam and he had the most extensive vocal range out of them all. He came up with a lot of the melodies and has a fair bit of songwriting credits. It’s not crazy to surmise that One Direction would not be as big as they were without Liam. “You’re Insecure”, the first words a lot of American girls heard from One Direction, was sung by Liam Payne.

While all of this is true, it doesn’t take away from the fact that he grew up to not be a good person. And, it hurts to say this. It does not feel good to speak ill of the dead. Especially when you know they had the unlimited potential for good. Liam, was a lot like me. I could identify with his mental health issues, love for Linkin Park , and how purple is our favorite color. I say this knowing that there is the (delulu) potential that one of his loved ones could come across me saying this and be upset by it.

But someone else is upset. And her name is Maya Henry. Recently, she came out about the abuse that Liam Payne subjected her to. Unfortunately,his fans have been attacking her online lately. Maya Henry even said Liam Payne would claim his fans would never turn on him. From what I’ve seen, it reminds me a lot of how people would treat Amber Heard during “the trial” and after. I feel so badly for Maya for the countless times she’s been traumatized by her abuser and I imagine seeing the outpouring of love for him has got to be triggering.

Lately, I’ve been worried for Kanye West. His fandom is really similar to One Direction, just different genders. Kanye has been endlessly problematic. And tbh, I don’t have anymore “But he made Graduation” declarations in me. I’m tired boss, I’m clocking out.

Like I said, I’m worried. We never got any update on the whole nitrous oxide addiction thing. His rebuttal to his sexual assault case is actually disgusting and insane. Is he with Bianca still or not? Is he in some sort of therapy for his autism? Has he had any meaningful time with his children? For someone so public to just move to another country and go quiet is strange. We see him, but hey, some people don’t even think that’s him.

I don’t wish death on Kanye. It’s just not in my nature. But, when he does pass, I wonder how I’ll feel. Even though I have been a superfan, it’s clear that Kanye is an abuser. He emotionally abuses his ex-wife, he has said unforgivable things publicly about his children, and those two women’s allegations are a little too similar for me to think there is no truth to them. Especially with the auxiliary information, and things that have came out of his mouth unprovoked. It adds up, sorry to say it. And, the antisemitism was forgotten by the general public. Not me though, that was really evil.

The Bible says that idolatry is a sin. I used to not really think about that. Like, I never worshiped another God. So, I was in the clear, so I thought. I think that with the accessibility to celebrities via the internet some of us are falling into idolatry. And, I think at times I have too. As I continue to write down my feelings on everything that has happened with Liam and Kanye. I just hope to God that we as a collective can identify that no matter what, these celebrities are human beings. They aren’t divine. They sin just like us. And, for me at least, I think that if I came to terms with this earlier, everything that happened with Liam wouldn’t have been so jarring to me. “How can he be dead?” I thought. “He wrote Midnight Memories?” Sounds a lot like “But me made Graduation!”

I know not everyone is religious. Not everyone is Catholic. But I think that we could all benefit from chasing celebrity culture and living our lives. But these days, it’s hard. Celebrities are an escape from the trial and tribulations of our lives. Sometimes, it feels better to obsess about what so and so is doing instead of ruminating over our lives.

And that is another never-ending horror.